Photo of Sex Educator Ruby Rare

Guest Blog: Ruby Stevenson, What good sex means to me

Last year, I was asked what good sex meant to me at the end of my ‘Guide to Pleasure’ event. It’s one of my favourite questions I’ve been asked, because it really took me by surprise! We’re often told what good sex should look and feel like, but rarely are we encouraged to express what that means for us on an individual level. And even though I talk about sex and pleasure for a living, I hadn’t been asked to express what that meant to me before. 

Ruby Stephenson (Rare) Sex Educator
People can conflate sex positivity with needing to have the wildest steamy sex, and Valentine’s Day just adds to the pressure we receive year-round. I’m all for expanding your horizons and trying new things, but I want to encourage myself and others to do this because it’s something we genuinely want to do, rather than getting swept away with the hype, and conforming to sexpectations that have been handed down to us.

So what does good sex mean for me?

Most importantly - it’s safe, and fun. It’s a space for shared vulnerability, curiosity, and it encourages me to think of new ways to explore my body. It’s a space where I get to be playful, where I can indulge each of my senses. This can be on my own (big fan of solo sex over here), with one partner, or with a whole fun gang? Queerness is also at the heart of my good sex. Breaking away from heteronormativity, and writing my own rules about how I experience pleasure as a queer non-monogamous person, has been a massively rewarding process. When it comes to buying products that enhance my sex life, it’s been important to make decisions that are good for my body.

I started using YES last year, and it’s really enhanced my sex life. YES lubes are solid products - they keep things fun, while also being kind to my body. I’d not heard of a lube that was pH balanced to complement vaginas before, and the fact that all their products are organic means I can relax knowing I’m not harming my body while I’m experiencing pleasure. On top of all this, they feel bloody great - finding lubes that don’t get tacky or smell a bit grim has been a real game changer for me! I’m particularly into the DG (Double Glide) pack, where you can mix and match between water-based and plant-oil based lubes to explore different sensations (although please remember oil-based products are not safe to use with condoms!). And the YES BUT anal lube is a slightly thicker formula which is perfect for anal play. Trying acrobatic positions or wild novelties can be fun, but that shouldn’t be the first thing we think of when we consider good sex. Ultimately, it comes down to connection. Having great products like YES lubes that don’t let you down is a real joy. It has allowed me to get to the fun, connected, playful sex I love so much!

Ruby Stevenson @rubyrare (Instagram) @_rubyrare (Twitter)